Life Changing Week for me...

I can say this week was one of those life changing weeks that I will forever remember.  As most of you know my father passed away last Thursday (soon after I posted last weeks post).  It was sudden because he wasn't sick per se - but not totally unexpected due to his unhealthy lifestyle. I'm thankful he is no longer in pain - physically or mentally.  This gives me the ability to say good-by with a peaceful heart. 

I think the most interesting part about this week is that I didn't turn to food. I admit I didn't track my food - nor did I really pay attention to what I was eating.  I haven't done my study either in a few days.   BUT.. what I didn't do was go on an eating binge. I did eat a few bags of chips here and there - but that was really the extent of "over-eating" or eating not because I was hungry but to fill in a void of sadness. This is pretty huge for me.  I actually had no desire to turn to food. I'm sure some of this is because my dad was so unhealthy and battled his own desires with food as well.  His heart stopped because it couldn't handle his weight I'm sure.  Not to sound insensitive at all, but it was confirmation for me to continue on this journey.  I realize that I was heading down this road myself with how I treated my body with food. 

All that being said, I was fully expecting to gain a pound or two because I was completely off the program. Once again I was surprised when she said I lost 1.8lbs this week - totaling 27 lbs. 

So I decided something just as I am writing this blog today.  I am losing weight and finally going to overcome this addiction I have with food for a few reasons:
  1. To glorify God. I love serving Him and I know I can do so much more for His Kingdom if I am healthy.
 2.  To be healthy for me and my family - I want to see Sydney grow and have children herself and I want to grow old with Justin,
 3.  To honor my dad.  I wish he would have lost the weight and took better care of himself while he was alive - so I am going to do it for the both of us. I am determined to be pain free in my knees, hips and back that was due to my over-weight.  Pain free is something my Dad hasn't felt for years.  I will feel it for the both of us. 

I know my Dad is in heaven with his new body - dancing, running and completely pain free.  I am so thankful for this.  I too will feel this freedom one day - hopefully while I'm here on earth as I continue on this journey. 

Today I feel inspired by my Dad. 

Until next time, Blessings INDEED~~
Deb

Down another 1.4lbs - totaling "25.2"

O my gosh - O my gosh - That 25lb mark is hit!! Honestly I can't even believe it.  I know this journey I'm on is long from being over - many many more pounds need to be lost - but today I'm celebrating the 25 that is lost and gone forever.

I can't lie - I really struggled this past week.  The temptation to fall back into old eating habits were facing me daily.  Let me go thru some of the struggles of last week:

Thursday - I was pissy - I mean really really pissy. I realize now it was due to the fact that my desires are changing regarding food. I remember when I quit smoking I felt the same way.  I knew I didn't want to smoke anymore - and that angered me to know end.  Like my enjoyment of smoking - I also enjoyed food.  The problem is that I enjoyed it too much.  So now that my desires are changing and I don't so much "want" to eat all the time - well that triggered that old feeling of anger.  It wasn't a fun day - but once I realized why I was so angry and remembering I had the same feeling when I quit smoking - I found hope knowing that this too will pass.  And of course it did.

The weekend eating wasn't too bad.  I watched what I was eating - but still had that inner anger going on - so I probably ate from time to time just for spite - not because I was hungry. 

Then Tuesday happen - WOW.. not a good day.  Work was rough.  I was completely depleted from the happenings of my day.  I felt every negative emotion possible and was DONE.  So... because I could -  I ate "2" bags of lunch size Ranch Doritoes - not 1 - but 2. The first bag I ate right in front of my boss - the second bag I ate secretly - within minutes after the first bag.  I immediately realized that I totally gave into temptation.  I realized I allowed myself to believe the lie that those chips would make me feel better.  Afterwards I felt worse than I did before eating them.  The lie I told myself backfired and I was filled with guilt.  I was disgusted with myself.  Which only made it worse because from that point on for the rest of the day - all I wanted to do was EAT! I had a church meeting that night - its a recovery group for women - I'm attending it as I am doing the study The Lord's Table for the addiction of food/overeating - its called gluttony. On the way to the meeting I wanted to drive to the nearest restaurant and order a feast so badly.  At that moment I felt like an alcoholic or drug addict - wanting my next fix.  I seriously thought I was going insane.  I did end up at the meeting - without stopping at a restaurant.  But I was miserable - didn't want to be there at all.  All I wanted to do was eat.  I was honest with the leaders of what was going on in my head. I'm glad I went and stayed and shared my struggles.  The support of this group is amazing.  Most everyone said "call me next time".  By the time I got home I was so exhausted emotionally it took everything I had to tell Justin what was going on with me and even though I was so exhausted I still wanted to eat right then. I'm thankful he just held me and said he was sorry I was struggling so much.  There was nothing else he could say or do.  I'm glad he didn't try and fix it and just comforted me instead.

So Wednesday I wake up and was very very thankful it was a new day.  BUT.. it was also my weigh in day too.  I was ready for any outcome.  I was just thankful that this new day also brought a new week to start anew to try and get to 25lbs lost.  So when I got the news that I lost the amount I needed to hit that 25lbs I just wanted to cry.  I realized that GOD provided me with His mercy and grace this week.  HE gave me what I needed at that very moment.  I read this morning in my daily readings ""David continued to succeed in everything he did, for the Lord was with him" (1 Solomon 18:14).  I feel like David today.  I'm thankful the Lord is with me, guiding me, showing me new ways, and giving me grace when HE knows I need it.

Well - I'm off to another week.  Looking up and feeling good.  Realizing this struggle is long over. Acknowledging that the weight loss and mind set Ive had for years will not just change over night - its a process - a journey that I'm glad to be on today. 

Until next time my friends,
Blessings INDEED,
Deb

If hunger isn't the problem - the food shouldn't be the answer!!

If I could just get this thru my thick skull!! This picture made me laugh when I saw it on Facebook.  It truly is my problem indeed! Sometimes its just easier to laugh at yourself than allow the truth to bring you down. 

On a positive note... another 1.2 lbs is gone FOREVER!! Totaling 23.8.  That 25 mark is soo close.  I'm trying hard not to think about it - but my human nature wants that 25 badly.  I know I will get there and beyond for that matter... there is no question about that.  I just want it NOW.  What is it about that feeling of NOW that just totally drives me crazy.  It's something I want to focus on this week.  Because I know if I allow myself I could start to self-sabbotage this week - just so I can say I know why I didn't hit that 25 mark next week. That fear of not hitting it NEXT WEEK could drive me to "eat" stupidly.  Funny, because you hear people say all the time "that/they could drive me to drink" - truly my device of addiction is food/over-eating, eating when I'm not hungry, eating when I'm bored, alone, happy, sad, stressed, angry... I don't discriminate my feelings - I eat because I like food - its my comfort, my security blanket.  Confession: Last night I came home from bible study and I ate another dinner - not because I was hungry - but because I told myself the dinner I ate wasn't enough to sustain me for the day.  I totally believed the lie.  I wasn't even hungry!! This morning I have an attitude - and totally blamed it on my daughter (who is 9 and who probably deserved my attitude a little due to her attitude).  But as I prayed with a friend after dropping Sydney off to school - it was very clear where my frustrations were.  Yes, Sydney frustrated me this morning - BUT.. I also acknowledge that I was frustrated with myself - because I allowed gluttony to overrule me last night AGAIN!! Did I over eat - NO!! But did I eat because I was hungry - No.  Did I eat to be prideful - because I could - ABSOLUTELY.  Please don't think I'm beating myself up -  I am simply taking responsibility.  I am seeing how easy I could go back to my old habits.  I see how my brain works and convinces myself its my right to eat what I want.  I was being a bratty little child last night - just like Sydney this morning - hmmm.. wonder where she gets it from.  OUCH!! Harsh - maybe... but truthful all the same. 

So from this point forward - I'm putting on my big girl panties and acting my age.  I am not 9 - I need to be an adult.  Make adult decisions.  Turn 180 degrees from food - and face GOD completely.  I think I need to put this on a post it note and post it all over the place. 

GOD is good.  I love how HE is reaching me thru this journey.  So thankful HE is faithful and loves me enough!!

Well - I think this is it for me today... Until next time...
Blessings INDEED,
Deb

Down 1.8 / Totalling 22.6 - YEA!!!!!

So yesterday I realized a few things:

1-The pants that I wear every weigh in (Wednesdays) are now much looser than they've been for years.  I will eventually have to switch up my weigh in pants because the ones I were now will be too big eventually - - HOW COOL IS THAT!!

2-That for some reason the number 22.6 really excites me.  What is it about that number?  I'm not sure - but I can say that I really happy about it.  Maybe because 25 is surely around the corner. Makes 30, then 35 and so forth not so far away!!

3-Combining WW (which is helping me physically) and The Lord's Table (which helping me mentally) is really the key to finally being rid of this ongoing issue I have with food and overeating. Ive gone thru a lot of different emotions this week. Ive been excited because thru the grace of God a week worth of complete control over food was accomplished. I've been angry and irritable because I realize just how much I idolize food and how much it consumes my every thought and life.  Ive felt amazement because I didn't die on the day I choose to drink 2 of my 3 meals.  I didn't think I could do it.  I didn't think I could go with breakfast and lunch with only drinking my food.  I did drink lots of V8 juice and WW shakes and soup.  It was HUGE for me.  I realized this process is not about losing weight - its about controlling the need for food to satisfy me (beyond my needs). This study is digging deep into some issues Ive had most of my life regarding food.  I'm felt thankful that some day - in the near future - food and overeating wont hold such a bondage over me.

I got on my knees this week - asking for forgiveness for my past attempts and failures regarding weight management.  I realized this week that in the past I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  Specifically - self gratification. Look at me - Look what "I" did.   Then when I failed I hid alone and ate and ate and ate - trying to fulfill that emptiness of failure.  Many tears have fallen this week thru this journey.  But I can say a lot of those tears were joyful ones.  Joyful because (1) I feel better (2) I am continuing to lose weight (3) I am turning 180 degrees away from this addiction of food/overeating and facing GOD - confidently asking Him to release me of this desire to fulfill my needs with food.

All and all - this week was a good week!! I'm thankful, humbled and encouraged all at the same time.

Until next time... Blessings INDEED~~
Deb

Another 2 lbs - GONE!!

So yesterdays weigh-in was GREAT.  Another 2lbs gone. A total of 20.8lbs!!

I owe a great deal of success to WW and its program.  I know it works for me - and I know I need to stick with this program to continue with success. BUT....

There's always a "BUTT" huh?  I've also started something else.  I've started doing an individual bible study - called The Lords Table. Its a biblical approach to weight management.  It's a 60 day study - today I finished day 10.  This is more based on "why" I over-eat - and finally getting control of this once and for all. Now for those of you read this and say "there she goes - talking about GOD - throwing her religion around" - Stop.  Please know this is not for you - but for me.  This is MY journey.  You can choose to not read this blog - and I wont get insulted.  I write this blog to give some hope as I travel this road of weight loss/management.  I hope you will continue with me on this journey - I have no idea where it will go - or what it looks like in 60 days - the one thing I know for sure - there will be less of me!!

So as I do WW - and work on the physical aspect of losing weight, I am also venturing into whats going on in my head as well.  I know - it sounds scary huh?  Trust me its more scary to me than to any of you reading this. 

But I can already say that I am fully ready to get to the bottom of this situation. Scary as it may be - I am ready to give this up and finally be free from this bondage of food and over-eating.

Today I am excited, hopeful, scared to death - yet ready to journey down this road.  A road so different than the past when Ive attempted weight loss.  In a sense - I'm giving it up - trusting GOD and GOD alone to show me where I need to change - continue with my WW for sure - because you don't want to fix whats not broke - but attempting to deal with whats in my head as well.  And finally, hopefully all will be done to Glory God!

Here we go!! Until next time~
Debbie

Funny Story....

So I've had an "off" week this past week so weigh in was sure to be "interesting" to say the least.  I was at a marriage conference all weekend - and tried to make good choices with the food that was available to eat.  Then went to a 50th wedding anniversary party that again I made good choices with what I ate.  But then I got sick.  My walking has literally stopped.  I have had minimal to no exercise in almost 5 days now.  I'm wiped out.  Then add some other "women issues" on top of all this I just figured it was my time for an "up" week in my weight loss. 

So I step on the scale and the clerk says "well, your up 0.4lbs - but she told me to take off my glasses that were on my head and my watch.  I was actually ok with the 0.4lb weight gain, but I did as I was told.  And sure enough - my weight remained the same as last week!! Can you just imagine how happy I was to hear that!!

So what did I learn this week??
(1) I did make good choices with my food.  This is probably the main reason why WW works for me.  Its not a diet.  Its a change in my eating habits.  I still eat all the yummy stuff every one else eats - just not as much.  And although some times I choose to say "no" to something yummy - its truly my choice.  I'm in total control.
(2) That yes my walking makes me feel good - its not the end all to my weight loss.  I am really looking forward to getting back to walking though - I miss the way my body feels when I'm done and the energy that comes with it.  And honestly, when I'm walking - I'm usually alone - and I really enjoy that alone time in my thoughts - usually just enjoying all the beauty around me and reminded of all the Blessings I truly am surrounded by.
(3) And finally, that my watch and sun-glasses weigh 0.4lbs.  AMAZING right??  I wonder what else I could take off when I weigh in?!?!?

Ive been home sick for the last few days - but hopeful to be up and getting back to some normalcy sooner than later. 

Until next time...
Deb

I CANT EVEN BELIEVE IT~~

Thursday, February 21, 2013

So there I was - waiting in line to get weighed in.  I so wanted to just say forget it and just go sit down to hear my weekly WW meeting.  It was my turn.  I took of my sweater - then my shoes - and anything else I think could help with that moment of truth. The lady who took my information asked how I was - my reply was "I'll be glad when this moment is over - I'm not looking forward to the results".  She asked me why I was so distraught over the outcome - I confessed Id eaten my way thru my birthday weekend - with drinks to add to it, and cake and and and.... Anyway, I said "whatever it is - it was my birthday present to me" - with sarcasm of course.

I couldn't believe my ears - I was down 1 lb. Totaling 18.8 lbs all together. I'm not sure how it happen but it did.. I have proof - its in my book - in the system.

I met with my WW leader after the meeting - inquiring of what my goal weight should be.  The number she told me was insane to me.  She immediately knew that my head was spinning with the number she gave me and I was immediately deflated - forgetting all about the success of this past week. She literally told me to "stop".  I'm letting this "number" get in my head. She asked me what I thought my ideal weight was and I immediately thought about when I got married.     I was the most healthiest at that moment and looked my best (as an adult).  I was hoping that would be close to my "ideal" weight - per my BMI. It isn't.  My WW Leader spoke to me in some great length - I could tell she was trying to stop my head from rolling - inflate me back up - not let this number be my downfall to success.  She told me that once I get to the weight I was at my wedding to go see my doctor.  To get a second opinion.  If my doctor says that is a good weight for me I could bring in a note from him and it could be my "goal" weight.  But I have to get a doctors note.  Anyway, I left the meeting - still in shock of this number she gave me.

I was talking to a friend about it when I got home and as I was telling her "the number" and what number I thought it should be (from when I got married). She agreed I looked my best at my wedding.  Then I  looked at a wedding picture of Justin and I.  Yes - I looked and felt the best I ever had as an adult.  But could I have stood to loose more?  After really looking at the picture - yes I could.  I wasn't thin - nor do I want to be - but I do want to be healthy. Just because I was thinner than I ever had been (as an adult) doesn't mean its a healthy weight. I still don't think the number my WW leader gave me was too low for me - but I do think I can be less than my wedding day weight! That's progress~~

Looks like I have a long way to go - but I'm going to do this!! Not sure how long it will take me - but "I'M" worth it all the same.

Until next time...
Deb